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| Paul Harvey Writes: We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I`d like better. I`d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it`s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he`s scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you`ll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don`t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won`t be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don`t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don`t like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor`s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it`s the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I`m here for you. And if I die before you do, I`ll go to heaven and wait for you. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them. |
| Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road. Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged. A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her. A little further along, she says. "Pa . . . " "Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!" |
| Alternate Meanings The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. |
| Three men met at a party, and it wasn`t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I`m a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white `Vet". As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon". Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I`m a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe." |
| From the 1943 Guide to Hiring Women (Part 2) Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day- long schedule of duties so that she`ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they`re happier with change. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can`t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl`s husband or father may swear vociferously, she`ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can`t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties. |
| A man was crossing a road one day, when a chicken called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the chicken, and put it in his pocket. The chicken spoke up again, and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are, and how you are my hero." The man took the chicken out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The chicken spoke up again, and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the chicken out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The chicken then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you for a year, and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the man took the chicken out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the chicken asked, "What is the matter with you? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a year, and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, Chick, I`m a software engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking chicken is cool." |
| Questions to ponder... If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan`s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can`t he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don`t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They`re both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn`t he just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a `Broker`? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
| As the woman passed her daughter`s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I`m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I`ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl`s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I`m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I`ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I`m watching the ball game with my son-in-law." |
| When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00. He ask why this was in the box. She replied when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that`s the money from selling the doilies. |
| For weather sites, we suggest http://weather.gov , the public site maintained by the US Weather Service. It`s the "big dog" in weather data; and the primary resource for many local resources that then fill in finer-scale data, although the NWS site itself lets you drill down to fairly detailed local images and forecasts, too. Sampling of other US sites of interest: https://www.fnmoc.navy.mil/PUBLIC/WXMAP/ http://wwwghcc.msfc.nasa.gov/GOES/ http://www.atmos.washington.edu/data/ http://www.noaa.gov/ http://wxnation.com/ http://weather.myway.com/index_static.html http://www.weather.unisys.com/index.html http://www.weather.com/ http://edition.cnn.com/WEATHER/ http://www.intellicast.com/ http://www.my-cast.com/ http://www.tropicdesigns.net/software.html http://www.hamweather.com/ http://www.aws.com/aws_2001/broadcasters/asp/Online.asp http://www.singerscreations.com/ |
| From the female side of the house: "Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it`s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you`d like to have dinner with." And now, for the male response: "Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." |
| A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What`s the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I`m driving." "That`s the quickest way!" |
| FUN THINGS TO DO IN A MALL 1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream `MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!` 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they`re `astronaut food`. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton`s around while reading aloud from `Dianetics.` 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it`s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, `You mean you really can`t see it?` 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you`re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the `hidden picture`. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there`s much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray `them` with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, `I see London, I see France...` 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play `Jesus Built My Hotrod`. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will `give you a really wicked buzz`. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have `any giant crap made out of straw`. 36. `Toast` plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing `Saved by the Bell`. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling `scratch one flattop!` 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are `leak proof`. 42. `Play` the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they`re real. 45. If it`s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on `your` lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say `Domino`s.` 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver`s license and demand to know `whether they`ve seen this man.` 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn`t turned blue yet.. |
| A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a `code` to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: `Maxwell House Coffee`. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, `Satisfaction to the last drop...` So the mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: `Rothman`s Mattresses`. So the mother looks at the Rothman`s Mattresses ad, and it says, `Full size, king size`. And the mother is happy. Then it comes to the third one`s wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: `British Airways`. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: `Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.` |
| An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin` me out a school of sharks appeared and one of `em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin` a trader ship, pistols blastin` and swords swingin` this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin` fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "...it was me first day with the hook..." |
| A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen`s Laundry." "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen`s Laundry?" The old man says, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?" The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say `What your name?` and he say `Hans Olafsen.` Next, she look at me `What your name?` I say `Saim Ting.`" |
| George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the mundane/celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart). The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the good Doctor. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his Special Theory of Relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really `ARE` Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn`t hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein`s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George." |
| To nobody`s surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from No. VA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protestors (but that isn`t the point of this thread). Anyway, I`ll get to the point. I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman`s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma`am, don`t you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I`ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." I`m glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words. |
| A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," he said, "It`s the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!" |
| Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn`t mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn`t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven`t had a cold all winter!" |
| An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight in Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his trench coat and exposed himself in all his naked glory. "I`m sorry, sir," she replied politely, "but you have to show us your ticket, not your stub." |
| A Little Humor 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn`t work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn`t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa`s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What`s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don`t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims` Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What`s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody`s Gonna Lose A Trailer |
| If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon you just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away you just might be a Scrooge If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata you just might be a Scrooge If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night you just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts you just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - - you just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log you just might be a Scrooge If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie you just might be a Scrooge If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat you just might be a Scrooge If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets you just might be a scrooge If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors` string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn caricatures with eggnog you just might be a Scrooge If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin you just might be a Scrooge |
| The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What`s this?" "A horsey, "one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children, "she coaxes, "I`ll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It`s a horny bastard!" |
| Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired. To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can`t believe it! I`ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don`t even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn`t even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat Santa man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass... |
| In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn`t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don`t even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma`am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." |
| The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. Father1: Whew! It`s getting rather warm in here, isn`t it? Father2: Shall I open the window? Father1: No, that`s alright. I`ll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. Father2: Hey, that`s a good idea. Why don`t we include that in the constitution? Father1: What? That we`re allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? Father2: Yeah, but that doesn`t sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?" |
| Great things about being a guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. You don`t have to monitor your friends` sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don`t give a crap whether you`ve lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don`t rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don`t have to stall at every| shot of somebody crying. All your orgasms are real. You don`t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. You don`t have to shave below your neck. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. You don`t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. If you`re 34 and single, nobody even notices. You can write your name in the snow. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. Flowers fix everything. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me". The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. One mood, all the time. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one`s just too skeevy. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you`re wearing. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. You don`t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.You don`t care if someone`s talking about you behind you back. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth`s population in 15 tries, at least in theory. You don`t mooch off others` desserts. If you retain water, it`s in a canteen. The remote control is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you`re talking to them. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. You needn`t pretend you`re "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don`t call your buddy when you say you will, he won`t tell your other friends you`ve changed. Someday you`ll be a dirty old man. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" Things that suck about being a guy: The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you`re not allowed to cry. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. You have to wear ties. You can`t flirt your way out of a jam. "Women and children first.". |
| Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What`s yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy. |
| Top Ten Signs That You had A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards. Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat. Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars. Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister. Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home. Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show. Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who`s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures. Uncle Peter, who`s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambé by pouring some his famous homemade `shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter`s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.. |
| A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma`s idea." |
| A young boy about eight years old was at the corner, mompop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of Tide detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I`m going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog. It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he`ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the rinse cycle!" |
| God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can`t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went traveling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You`re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on roller skates!" |
| A married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn`t need them, being the sex god he was sure he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn`t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian`s thighs. The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!" |
| After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?" Luigi said, "Ever`thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down." "What`a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a `forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket." The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, `No eat in dese`a car. Must`a use`a dining car.`\ "So, me and my beautiful`a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big`a lunch and begin to open`a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his`a finger and say, `No drink`a in dese`a car. Must`a use`a club`a car.` "So we go to club`a car. While`a drinking vino, I start to light`a my big`a cigar. The conductor, he wag`a his finger again and say, `No smoke`a in dese`a car. Must`a go to smoker car.` "We go to smoker car and I smoke`a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and`a go to bed. We just about to have`a sex and the conductor, he come`a through car yelling, `NO-FOLK`A, VIRGINIA!` "Next`a time, Ima driva down!!" |
| When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this... On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by `Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times... "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." |
| ~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them. ~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. ~ Never argue with a women when she`s tired or rested. ~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn`t. ~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~ Don`t say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don`t say no. ~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn`t love her. ~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. ~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. ~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. |
| Here is the verse from a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend: The election is over, the results are known, the will of the people has clearly been shown. Let`s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, we will give our leader all the help that he needs. So let`s all get together, and let bitterness pass, I`ll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass. |
| Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn`t wear boots; he didn`t like them and anyway he didn`t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother`s Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don`t have any money to spend." Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn`t because his mother didn`t care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far. What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the house hold in their mother`s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn`t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing. Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn`t easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to. Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window. Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach. It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun`s rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment. As he held his new found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn`t buy anything with only a dime. He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother`s Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby`s shoulder and said to him, "You just wait here and I`ll see what I can do for you." As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the last customer left jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There, before Bobby`s eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby`s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box. "That will be ten cents young man," the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime! Sensing the boy`s reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?" This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son," As he returned inside, the shop keeper`s wife walked out. "Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?" Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn`t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime. "When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. "When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses." The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn`t feel cold at all. May this story instill the spirit of Christmas in you enough to pass this story along. Have a Joyous and Peace-filled season. ~"Bobby`s Dime" by Thomas Pucci~ |
| A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It`s my birthday today and I`m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it`s your birthday I`ll buy you a drink. In fact I`ll take care of this one for you." As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too." The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Alright" says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I`m the only one around you that hasn`t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too." The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Comin` right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma`am I`m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you`re my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can`t hold your water!" |
| A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother`s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it`s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it`s the one you gave me. But it just didn`t come out right, and I`m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?" Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let`s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we`ll figure it out." "OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ` Take fifty cents worth of ground beef . . . `" |
| A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren`t that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he`d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." |
| My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It seems that between the appetizer and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory. Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed to surreptitiously pass my father a note, the contents of which were as follows: "Please, Sir, excuse this intrusion. I noticed that a few minutes ago you paid a visit to the lavatory. Unfortunately, in your haste to return to your food and your companions you failed to adjust your clothing properly. As a result, I couldn`t help noticing that your penis is hanging out of your fly. By now, I will have gone to the other side of the restaurant, where I will pick up a stack of plates. In a moment I shall drop these plates, thus creating a distraction and allowing you to adjust yourself unobserved." "PS: I love you." |
| Livin` A Dogs Life (if they could only read) When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it`s in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they`ve invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you`re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you`re scolded, don`t buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you`re not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. |
| Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he`d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let`s do it! We`ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can`t take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can`t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, `Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?` and she said, "Take a sweater." |
| In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave 15 dollars a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck. The kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour and I could start that night. I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal. That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel. When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my meager wage. The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home. One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires. I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn`t enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair. On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up. When it was time for me to go home at seven o`clock on Christmas morning I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids wouldn`t wake up before I managed to get home and get the presents from the basement and place them under the tree (we had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by the dump). It was still dark and I couldn`t see much, but there appeared to be some dark shadows in the car or was that just a trick of the night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old battered Chevy was full - full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver`s side door, scrambled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll. As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning. Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop. I believe in angels! They live next door, around the corner, work in your office, patrol your neighborhood, call you at midnight to hear you laugh and listen to you cry, teach your children, and you see them everyday without even knowing it! ~"Angels, Once In Awhile" By Barb Irwin~ |
| A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is , where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did note invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn`t there and the next day she was. She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it, but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening! She insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, NO! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but that is not nearly enough. In fact, I don`t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don`t spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money isn`t the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I just can`t seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth, but she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and too make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too. For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She like to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I`m not home and altering my clothes so that they don`t fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can`t find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record. She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can`t see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She had done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality? I don`t even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren`t bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me. Just when I thought she couldn`t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me!! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me? She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn`t be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh, oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always on my computer too. `SIGH`.......what`s a body to do???? |
| A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about. . . "I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge." She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. "She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn`t suit you. "Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you know." Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, `Is there anything else your wife doesn`t use anymore ?`" |
| A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don`t know what hole I`m on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I`m on 7; you`re on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I`m sorry to bother you again but I`m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I`m on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I`m on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I`m in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it`s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she`d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn`t laugh". He replied "I`m sorry, but I couldn`t help it. I sell toilet paper. I`m still one hole behind you." |
| A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where`s Mommy?" |
| Have you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar with a suit case in hand? He opened it.. pulled out a little piano.. and a piano stool. Reaching into his pocket and pulled out a mouse. He put the mouse on the piano stool, the mouse then began to play a classical piece. The crowd in the bar began to gather and look in wonder. The man then pulled out a bird and placed him on the piano, the Bird then began to sing a Paccini aria in crystal clear Italian. A man at the end of the bar had become very excited about all this and offered the man $100,000 dollars for the whole setup. The owner said no. The other man offered the money for just the Bird, exclaiming that he loved that voice of the bird so much he just had to have it. The owner agreed and sold the bird for $100,000. The bartender questioned the owner of the setup and told him that the whole thing was worth millions. The man replied that it was ok the mouse is a ventriloquist. |
| A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let`s see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher`s forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we`ve bought a Pentecostal dog!" |
| There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn`t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish 1. He went into His Father`s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment`s notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn`t get it. 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do. |
| A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won`t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don`t wan`t to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you`re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything, I`m sure that there`s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I`ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that;- #1 you have to be single and,- #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I`m Catholic too." "Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and she fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I`m married and I`m Jewish." The nun says, "That`s okay, my name is Kevin and I`m on my way to a Halloween Party. |
| What is 100% Here is a little bit of information I learned that could be of invaluable help to us in the future. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here`s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% but, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% but look at this, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+ 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and, ATTITUDE will get you there, BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING will put you over the top. Case closed!! |
| Spicy Chinese Proverbs! "Virginity like bubble. . . One prick - all gone!" "Man who run in front of car get tired" "Man who run behind car get exhausted" "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok" "Man with one chopstick go hungry." "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "Baseball is wrong. . . Man with four balls cannot walk!" "Panties not best thing on earth. . . but next to it." "War doesn`t determine who`s right . . . War determines who`s left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cat house by day . . . sleep in doghouse by night." "Man who fight with wife all day . . . get no piece at night!" "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement!" "He who fishes in other man`s well often catches crabs." "Man who farts in church sits in own pew." "Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion." "Crowded elevator smells different to midget." |
| Christmas Arkansas Style Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack, not a thing was a movin`, from the front to the back, The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine, The wife in her curlers, was lookin` real fine. A cold wind was blowin`, up the holler it moaned, All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned. The boys were all dreamin` of weapons and guns, for killin` God`s creatures, there`s no better fun. The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned, to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume. The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks, I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks. Then in the yard, such a noise did commence, like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence. I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick, the man makin` the racket, was Good Ol` St. Nick. You may think of Santa, in your own mind`s eye, dressed in a red and white suit, But I`ve got a surprise. That old boy`s an Arkie, our fair state he won`t fail`er, He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer. On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig, He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig. He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies, He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty. Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens, I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton. He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow, He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe. His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer", there was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere". He left all the presents, with an air of delight, Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night. He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh, Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way. And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A "bud lite" |
| A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children. "My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." "I`m sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I`m Jewish." "Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!" |
| When the salesman of the year was asked his secret to success, he gave a shrug. "There`s the usual, know your product, make lots of calls, never take `no` for an answer. But frankly, I owe my success to consistently missing a three-foot putt by two inches." |
| Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something`s shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself: In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... And that was good. The average annual salary was under $3,000... Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... And that was good. A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... And that was good. Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... And that was good. We didn`t have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... And that was good. Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins... But not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... And that was good. The only hazardous material you knew about... Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner... And that was good. You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the clothesline... And that was good. People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives.. So "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... And that was good. Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not talk back..... and that was good. TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color....And that was certainly good. Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody`s carburetor... And the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs.. And that was very good. Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... And chickens behind the garage... And that was definitely good. And just when you were about to do something really bad. Chances were you`d run into your Dad`s high school coach... Or the nosy old lady from up the street... Or your little sister`s piano teacher... Or somebody from Church.... ALL of whom knew your parents` phone number... And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good! |
| A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I`ve been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas." With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too. "Where do you think you`re going?" demanded the wife. "I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!" |
| The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don`t know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, `Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.`" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too." |
| I`M GLAD I`M A MAN I`m glad I`m a man, you better believe. I don`t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don`t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don`t get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don`t end up in tears. I won`t spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don`t go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don`t whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I`m glad I`m a man, I`m so glad I could sing. I don`t have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don`t gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don`t carry our differences into the sack. I`ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there`s trying to steal you. I`m rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It`s more fun than dealing with women after all. I won`t cry if you say it`s not going to work. I won`t remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won`t assume it`s permanent by any measure. Yes, I`m so very glad I`m a man, you see. I`m glad I`m not capable of child delivery. I don`t get all bitchy every 28 days. I`m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I`m a man by chance and I`m thankful it`s true. I`m so glad I`m a man and not a woman like you! |
| I`M GLAD I`M A WOMAN I`m glad I`m a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don`t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don`t brag to my buddies about my erections. I won`t drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don`t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won`t grab your hooters, I won`t pinch your butt. My belt buckle`s not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don`t go around "readjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don`t belch in public, I don`t scratch my behind. I`m a woman you see-I`m just not that kind! I`m glad I`m a woman, I`m so glad I could sing. I don`t have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn`t grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can`t see 3 inches of crack. And what`s on my head doesn`t leave with my comb. I`ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I`m a woman, you know-I`ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee. I don`t live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don`t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won`t tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I`m so very glad I`m a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don`t long for male bonding, I don`t cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I`m a woman by chance and I`m thankful, it`s true. I`m so glad I`m a woman and not a man like you! |
| A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he`d wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I`ve changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done." |
| Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. (Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) |
| `Twas the night before Hanukkah and all over the place There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace! The Kinderlach, sleeping,uneasily felt The chocolate rush from the Hanukkah gelt And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes, I stretched the elastic which held up my gatchkes. When up on the roof (and it has a steep pitch) A fat alte kakker was making a kvitsch. I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door, Was it a bandeet, or only a schnorrer? He wasn`t alone; he had eight ferdelach, And called them by name as he gave a gebrach: "On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam, On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham; My kidneys are kvelling; do you give a damn?" He had a white beard and payyes to boot, And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit! A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance, But the cut was okay, and so were the pants. He was triple XL, a real groisser goof, So I yelled out,"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!" He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me, "Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?" So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop, Mutt`ring, "Always the same thing, They`re dreying my kopp!" From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek, Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik! They`re screaming for presents, and challah with schmaltz, And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!" So we sat and yentehed, and we spun the old dreydels, (He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels) He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make, But I`m getting too old for this Hanukkah fake; And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings? For two cents I`d quit, and move to Palm Springs?" And he gave a geshreias he fled mit a lacht, "Gut Yontiff to All, Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!" ~Author Unknown~ |
| A Southern Nativity Scene: In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen`s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn`t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, `The three wise man came from afar`." |
| A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet." said the little boy. His mother tells him he can`t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he`s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing! "How come I don`t get any eggs and bacon? Why don`t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don`t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don`t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren`t getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he`s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?" |
| On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you`ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that`s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top!" |
| A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who`d been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham. When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?" The man replied, "The Lord did!" "AMEN" shouted the congregation. "My good man, who put food on your table?" "The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted. "AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response. "My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?" "Reverend, it was the Lord!" "PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered. Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?" The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him." |
| Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor`s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor`s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we`re both dead." |
| Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you`re gonna fart your guts out!" One Thanksgiving morning, Martha`s preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours. She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again." |
| When the ark`s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife`s cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE`S RECEIPT!!" |
| Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny`s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny`s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor`s instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli." |
| The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too He`ll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He`s a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way To hell with this endless poem The perfect man is GAY. |
| A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we`re going down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son, "We don`t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!" |
| A guy goes into his dentist`s office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I`m talking DELICIOUS! I`ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I`ve been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "That`s probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I`ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there`s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" |
| No Wonder The English Language Is So Difficult To Learn: We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. |
| Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can`t touch it till she`s fourteen. What`s the difference between a good ol` boy and a redneck? The good ol` boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. How do you know when you`re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I`ve gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." How many rednecks does it take eat a `possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they`re still brother and sister. Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I`ve got a hot date for tonight, an` I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a` them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a`mighty, don`t they stay on by themselves?!" |
| I couldn`t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver." |
| At my granddaughter`s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, `You`re probably right.`" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She`s probably right." |
| T`was the night before finals And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went a`blur, I just couldn`t study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I`d pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: "Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year`s Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. "Your teachers won`t flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."" |
| Two old grizzled veterans from World War II were sitting in the park watching the children play and swapping war stories. As they talked, one`s facial expression suddenly changed as he became very depressed looking. The other, noticing the change in his friend ask, "What is wrong Sarge. You look like you just got orders to report back to active duty." "Well, its like this, old buddy. As old age creeps up on me, I find it harder to be the husband I should be to my wife. We are about the same age. How long has it been since you and your wife were intimate?" "I think it was about 1945." "1945! Has it been that long?" Looking at his watch, the old man said, "That`s not long. Its only 2030 right now." |
| Little Sally was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?" When Sally didn`t stir, little Jason, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good" and Sally fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Sally didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Jason came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally promptly fell back asleep. Once again the teacher called upon Sally and asked a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Jason jabbed her with the pin. This time Sally jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!" The teacher fainted. |
| A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. "`Bell 1` rings and we all put on our jackets. `Bell 2` rings and we all slide down the pole. `Bell 3` rings and we`re on the fire truck ready to go." "From now on, we are going to run this house the same way. When I say `Bell 1` I want you to strip naked." "When I say `Bell 2` I want you to jump in bed." "When I say `Bell 3` we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1." The wife took off all her clothes. He shouted "Bell 2," and the wife jumped in bed. "Bell 3," he yelled, and they began making love. After 2 minutes the wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What the hell is `Bell 4`?" asked her husband. "I need more hose!" she replied. "You`re no where near the fire!" |
| An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let`s have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let`s kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don`t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
| Johnny says, "I`m too smart for the first grade. My sister`s in the third grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal`s office and explained Johnny`s request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny`s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. |