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Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8&;00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work&; It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
A sausage walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here."
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."
If you've ever driven a Yugo, you know the real reason we're bombing Kosovo.
Lexuses or Lexi? It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose,
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
My wife asked me if I put the cat out. I said I didn't know it was on fire.
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
My horoscope said that the finger of fate will point at me. Unfortunately, it was the middle finger of fate.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?
What's the difference between slime and a lawyer? I've been looking for years, I still can't find any.
"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
"Daddy, before you married Mom, who told you how to drive?"
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.
Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.
Some people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and call it experience.
Some people can't tell a lie, others can't tell the truth, and others can't tell the difference.
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Why do they call it "Saturday Night Live" when over half of it is on Sunday?
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
If Y2K is going to be such a big problem, why don't we just skip that year? Women do it all the time.
Some people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.
I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived under the "No Parking" sign.
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they also marry the same way.
Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.
"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.
I would feel better about Kosovo if Clinton would personally lead the ground attack.
"Smoking helps you lose weight one lung at a time!"
"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
"Thanks to the taxation we are subjected to, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
"It takes one to know one and vice versa!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. "
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation!"
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Circular Definition&; see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Do you think Dan Quayle supports NATOE?
My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.
Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street&; "Why lie? I need a beer."
To err is human, to moo, bovine.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Childhood&; That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.
If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty whichever comes first.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth..
...after we're through with it.
March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
March 4 is Holy Experiment Day
March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day
March 15 is Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 22 is National Goof-off Day
March 27 is National "Joe" Day
March 28 is Something On A Stick Day
March 30 is I Am In Control Day
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
What would chairs look like if our legs bent the other way?
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far at all.
The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
September is... Be Kind To Editors and Writers Month
September is... National Bed Check Month
September is... National Chicken Month
September is... National Mind Mapping Month
September is... National Papaya Month
September 1 is... Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is... National Beheading Day
September 5 is... Be Late For Something Day
September 11 is... No News Is Good News Day
September 12 is... National Chocolate Milkshake Day
September 13 is... Defy Superstition Day
September 15 is... Felt Hat Day
September 16 is... Stay Away From Seattle Day
September 18 is... National Play-doh Day
September 22 is... Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day
September 23 is... Checkers Day and Dogs In Politics Day
September 28 is... Ask A Stupid Question Day
September 29 is... Poisoned Blackberries Day
September 30 is... National Mud Pack Day
A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off until it dies from starvation.
The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old.
One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless how trivial you may deem their job.
Improve your performance by improving your attitude.
At the end of your days, be leaning forward - not falling backwards.
Every person that you meet knows something you don't; learn from them!
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Don't expect your love alone to make a neat person out of a messy one.
Do the right thing , regardless of what others think.
Don't waste time trying to appreciate music you dislike. Spend the time with music you love.
Get into the habit of putting your billfold and car keys in the same place when entering the house.
Set high goals for your employees and help them attain them.
Never type a love letter. Use an ink pen.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight?
Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment. Savor it!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Boston Orioles were named for the Maryland state bird in the early 1900s.
Barbie is a college graduate. She attended a generic educational institution called State College.
First toilet in the White House: 1825, installed for John Quincy Adams.
Turn enemies into friends by doing something nice for them.
Cruciverbalist: 14-letter word for crossword maniac.
The Bible is the most popular crossword subject.
In 1925, Theodore Koerner shot and wounded his wife after she refused to help him solve a crossword puzzle.
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []
Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors.
Optimist: A YUGO owner.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
75% of the nation's employees are looking for a new job.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Don't overlook life's small joys in your search for the big ones.
Remember the 3 R's ;
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
Don't stop the parade to pick up a dime.
No person was ever honored for what he received.
Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
Live each day as if it were your last ... someday it will be.
A person with a tidy desk is not doing much work.
All builders' quotes and time estimates are complete fiction.
Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.
Any man you meet after the age of 40 will have a fatal flaw.
Anti-Stress kit Rubber Band: To remind you to stretch your new ideas and your mind to new limits so you will continue to grow and reach your potential.
Anti-Stress kit Tissue: To remind you to see the tears and needs of others, including those of yourself and your peers.
Anti-Stress kit Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a hug, kiss, or a word of encouragement every day.
Anti-Stress kit Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your "life savers." Care about each other and help each other through the stressful times that occur in life.
Anti-Stress kit Penny: To remind you the value of your thoughts - BIG ones and little ones! Share them with others.
Anti-Stress kit Eraser: To remind you that we all make mistakes and with an eraser they can be erased, as can our human mistakes be overcome.
Anti-Stress kit Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of others.
Anti-Stress kit Paper Clip: It's important to "keep it all together." Find the balance in your physical, professional, and spiritual life. Explore the resources and programs available to you in the community.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart."
Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean.
"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in!" H.R. Haldeman
"Sociability is a big smile, and a big smile is nothing but teeth." Jack Kerouac
Remember the person who steals an egg will steal a chicken.
Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
Meet regularly with someone who has vastly different views than you.
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Be brave. Even if you are not , pretend to be. No one can tell the difference .
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight?
Install deadbolt locks on all outside doors.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully...
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions
Never deprive someone of hope. It may be all they have.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A sign was placed at the entrance of the large machinery plant. It
said:

"Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
Pray not for things, but for knowledge and courage.
"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do -- write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Read carefully anything that requires your signature. Remember the big print "giveth" and the small print "taketh" away.
Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Don't insist on running someone else's life.
Every person that you meet knows something you don't; learn from them!
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
The Universe Stops Expanding This Week--keeW sihT gnidnapxE spotS esrevinU ehT
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Woman to husband at breakfast table:
"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring."
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?
Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
Live each day as if it were your last ... someday it will be.
A person with a tidy desk is not doing much work.
All builders' quotes and time estimates are complete fiction.
Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Hold your child's hand every chance you get. The time will come all too soon when he or she won't let you.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading
"DANGER - MEN WORKING" ?
Crazy Classified Ad
Eight-year-old German short-haired pointer. Has all shots, speaks German, free.
Crazy Classified Ad
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
Crazy Classified Ad
Florida Oranges. California-grown. 99 cents a pound
Crazy Classified Ad
Snow blower for sale. Good condition, only used in the winter.
Crazy Classified Ad
For sale: 16-volume set of encyclopedias, not needed any more because my wife knows everything.
Crazy Classified Ad
Tired of working for only $9.25 an hour? We offer full benefits and flexible hours. Starting pay any where from $7 to $9 per hour.
Crazy Classified Ad
Free puppies: half poodle, half sneaky dog next door.
Crazy Classified Ad
Tickle Me Elmo for sale. Brand new, comes with 1981 Buick LeSabre: $2,555
Crazy Classified Ad
Found: Scraggly white dog, looks like a rat. There'd better be a reward
Crazy Classified Ad
Wanted: free furniture, bedding, kitchen table, color TV, etc.
The U.S. Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Alabama quarter. According to the Treasury officials the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines...
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch...
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Leave a quarter where a child can find it.
He didn't like my pudding
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother use to bake.

I didn't perk the coffee
And I didn't make the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
Like his mother use to do.

As I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue. So,
I turned around and boxed his ears,
Like his Mother used to do!
Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
I asked my son if he understood the meaning of the word "obey."
He said, "Yeah, it's a place to go shopping on the Internet."
What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with none left over?
You're now losing them in pairs!
My neighbor just lowered the cost of TV; he put up an antenna and canceled his cable. There's still nothing on TV, but he saves $40 a month.
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
AT&T stands for American Telephone and Telegraph.
MCI stands for Microwave Communications Inc.
Compliment even small improvements.
Yogi Berra, while playing in the 2003 Bob Hope Chrysler Classic golf tournament: "If I'd hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer."
Brad Miller, Indiana Pacers center, on the team's struggles last season: "It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."
Seattle Sonics guard Ray Allen, stating the obvious: "Every time we've lost, it's because we didn't score enough points."
Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura on how law-abiding he is in his Porsche: "Well, there's no law that says how fast you can get to the speed limit."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Don't confuse mere inconveniences with real problems.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice
- once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you ask?"
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
Norm Peterson quote from "Cheers":

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races, one after another.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
Remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.